How to make a funeral service more personal

We tend to have a fairly fixed idea in our minds of what a funeral looks like. Many people don’t know how customisable funeral services can be. Every aspect of the funeral - from coffins to celebrants, flowers to vehicles - can be tailored to suit what’s right for you. In this blog, Holly from Poppy’s Funerals shares nine ideas to help you create a funeral that reflects the person who has died.

1. Choosing the right venue

Many people don’t know this, but you can hold a funeral almost anywhere. A funeral doesn’t have to take place in a crematorium or cemetery chapel, and no special licence is needed.

If a chapel is not right for you, what about your favourite restaurant or pub, your local place of worship or your own home?

If the person whose life you are remembering loved the outdoors, why not have an open-air ceremony - or even get out the rugs and the sandwiches and have a picnic?

2. Deciding who will lead the ceremony

The person leading the ceremony could be a religious leader,a friend or family member, or a professional funeral celebrant.

You also don’t have to have a professional service leader, if you don’t want to - you could make it a team effort, with several people planning and leading the ceremony. It’s up to you.

If you are looking for a celebrant, your funeral director can give information and recommendations so that you can find the right match.For example, you might want someone who shares the same interests, spiritual beliefs or background as the person who has died. Or someone whose style matches the tone you want to set for the funeral.

3. Music

Music is a wonderful way to personalise a funeral, and thereare so many ways to include music and song in a service.

Some examples include:

- Having a funeral procession with live music –for example, having a bagpipe player or marching band leading the way

- Playing a song as the coffin is brought into the funeral service space

- Having a live performance of a special song by a singer or choir

- Singing together as part of the service, or, in the case of burial, at the graveside. A live performer or choir can also lead the attendees in communal singing

- Having music performed or played during a photo slideshow tribute.

“As a funeral director I've been lucky enough to hear some wonderful musicians perform during funerals,” says Hannah, funeral director atPoppy’s. “It's impossible not to be moved by a full church choir -but I'm also a sucker for a solo soprano singing Ave Maria, which always makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.”

Choosing the right music

If you’re struggling to select music, remember that you don’t have to choose ‘traditional funeral music’. Instead, can you choose apiece of music the person who has died loved?

Or, if you’re not sure what they would have chosen, what about a piece of music that either reminds you of the person, or which expresses something about the person’s nature? Whether that’s a playful pop song, a sombre and dignified hymn or a bit of heavy metal - it’s truly up to you!

4. Saying it with words

Most funeral services include some form of poetry, religious scripture or other form of the spoken word. It’s important to remember, unless you’re following a specific religious liturgy or cultural form of words, there’s no limit on your choices.

If choosing a piece of poetry doesn’t feel quite right, how about choosing some words out of the person’s favourite song? Or, ahead of the funeral, you could ask friends and family to share one or two words with you which describes the person who has died, and you could arrange it into a short bit of prose. This could also be a nice way to include children, who might enjoy creating something out of the words that people share.

5. Choosing (or creating) a coffin

Coffins come in a wide range of different styles and materials, including wood, wicker, banana leaf and cardboard. This means you can choose what feels right to you.

You can even contribute to creating the coffin itself, if you’d like to. Cardboard coffins are an increasingly popular choice. Along with being customisable, they are environmentally friendly and lower in cost that many other coffin choices. You can decorate a cardboard coffin with photos, paint, drawings or messages.

Many makers of willow coffins will allow you to be involved in weaving your person’s coffin, if that’s something you’d like. You can also be involved in designing a bespoke woollen shroud.

6. Finding the flowers

Many people associate funerals with grand floral arrangements. And if that’s your style, then go for it!

If not, you don’t have to choose traditional funeral flowers. You could gather wildflowers, cut flowers from someone’s garden, or decide not to have flowers at all.  At Poppy’s, we’ve seen coffins beautifully topped with personal items (such as a chef’s hat, a knitting basket or walking boots) or even with homegrown fruit and veg.

7. Deciding what to wear

It’s okay to have a dress code. You can ask people to dress in a particular favourite colour or ask people to go all-out and dress up to the nines. A simple way to go is to ask attendees to wear one item in the person’s favourite colour, such as a scarf.

On the other hand, you might like attendees to simply wear something they would feel comfortable in.

8.  Getting there

Traditional funeral vehicles are just one option for transport. There is a vast array of different types of hearses – from traditional black to leopard-print to motorcycle and side car!

You also don’t have to use a conventional hearse - you could use a double decker bus, an electric barge, or even your own car. If you have an idea for a different kind of hearse, your funeral director can help you consider the logistics.

9. A symbolic action

A symbolic action can be a poignant addition to a service. Examples include placing flowers onto or tying ribbons on the coffin, inviting people to share a memory of the person who has died, or writing messages during the ceremony. Symbolic actions are a way to include everyone in the service, and make it much more personal.

Poppy’s is an award-winning funeral directors based in South London.